


Thinking at Night

by chickwen



Series: circle of fifths [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alcohol, F/M, M/M, Non-Chronological, Non-Explicit Sex, Oikawa Tooru is a Mess, Sad Oikawa Tooru, Shorts, Smoking, but like he's ok, but like this is kinda sad ngl, dark thoughts ???, i mean ig they're kinda important, insinuated sex, original characters are NOT gonna b important but like i tagged them anyways lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:34:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 3,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22628686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chickwen/pseuds/chickwen
Summary: Snippets of Oikawa's thoughts when he's up too late.(I really don't know how to describe this)
Relationships: Kageyama Tobio/Oikawa Tooru, Oikawa Tooru/Original Character(s)
Series: circle of fifths [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1541989
Comments: 43
Kudos: 174





	1. The Peace Of The Night Is Not Peace At All

**Author's Note:**

> All underlined headers are lyrics from Mitski's album _Bury Me At Makeout Creek_. All lyrics will be from different songs but follow the track list. Really I'm just listening to her too much and this idea popped into my head to make Oikawa sad lmao.  
> In my head he's having these thoughts when he's feeling homesick or just overthinking things.  
> Also, for context, I imagine this to be happening within the span of my other work 'Opus' while Oikawa is in Argentina.

But I’ve been anywhere and it’s not what I want, I wanna be still with you

  
It was hot. Humid as well. The fan above his head lazily pushed around the stuffy air in his room while the moisture in the air clung to his skin uncomfortably and made him feel sticky.

It was silent. Quieter than when he lived in that dorm in Tokyo. No sporadic bustle outside his door of another student coming back at all hours of the night, reasons varying from late studying to rough parties.

He felt lonely. And his mind felt full.

He regretted, in that moment. Regretted moving to another continent. Regretted trying to start his career at the expense of something else.

He had seen so much with being in a new country. Met new people. Felt new love.

But no love he found for anything in his new life could compare to the love he felt for him.

He wished, sometimes, that he stayed in Japan. That he stayed with the familiarity, the language, the scenery, the people.

That he stayed with Tobio.

-


	2. Happy Birthday To Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alone in a different country, he's going to spend his first birthday alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just to make clear, this is set slightly before the previous chapter

Nothing seems enough

Ring. Ring. Ring. Ri—

“Hello?”

“Tooru!” His mother cheered into the phone as bubbly as ever, “Happy birthday!”

He glanced at the clock, his mother probably timed it so that she would be the first one to say that to him. A small smile pulled at his lips.

“Thanks mom.” He said sincerely, the smile coloring his voice.

“Of course, what kind of mother would I be if I didn’t wish my son a happy birthday?” She giggled, “Anyways, since I can’t really give you anything this year, I sent you some money for you to spend. You have a good birthday, okay? And I know you’re twenty now but don’t drink too much?”

“Yes mom.” He said, not bothering to mention the drinking age in Argentina is eighteen.

“Okay, love you to bits! Your dad will call you later and Mikie said she’d call you too. Stay safe and love you again!”

“Love you. Bye.”

“Bye-bye!”

He closed his phone and looked around his room.

For the first time in his whole life, he was spending his birthday alone.

He was twenty now. Officially not a teenager anymore and officially an adult and he never in his whole life felt more alone. And right now, he felt empty and small and pathetic.

He wondered what his twentieth birthday would have been like if he stayed. He probably would have spent it with his college friends and Hajime probably would have caught the train to see him along with _him_.

His heart sunk. Instead of being alone, he could have been home. Surrounded by friends and family and with him. He could have woken up to a _good morning Oikawa-san, happy birthday_ text but instead he was first greeted by his mother then left to sit in his bedroom all by himself.

He could have had something different if he just chose to stay, to deal with things instead of letting his inclination to escape take over, he could still have those hands in his. That body in his arms. Those shoulders for him to lean on. Those eyes to see him. Those lips to kiss and speak loving words to him.

Nothing. Nothing felt worth not having him in that moment.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long wait on Opus ! i've been so busy with life right now that i barely have time for anything and i've always been horrible at managing my time so i'm sorry to say that the next part of the main story will take a bit longer to come out. i hope that this little tidbit appeases you just a little bit. trust me when i say i really wanted to post the next chapter of the main story within the next week but now i'm thinking that it will have to be postponed once more as i ended up spending all my time making a spreadsheet for the timeline (it's incredibly confusing to keep it all in your head)
> 
> as for this little drabble, it turned out to be a bit longer than intended but hopefully you're beginning to understand what was going on in oikawa's head for a bit. with Opus being written from kageyama's perspective, it effectively silences oikawa's voice if you're not supper attentive to everything and even then i can't really show how he's thinking in those brief moments he's been having with kageyama.
> 
> anyways, this note is dragging on, thank you for reading and please bear with me while i very v e r y slowly churn out chapters <3


	3. It's Always More Bitter In The Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> did it even matter that she looked like him if she wasn't him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i whipped up this little thing as a small apology for being gone for so long, please enjoy <3

胸がはち切れそうで (My heart is bursting)

He stared at her.

Her hair was dark, straight, black. Her eyelashes were long, her eyes blue, skin gently tanned.

She looked like him.

He didn't know how to feel about that.

So he tried not to feel as he found comfort in the softness of her skin. He simply ignored how she looked and focused on the way she gripped his shoulders and hissed incomprehensibly foreign curses into his ear.

She mumbled a name that wasn’t his own. He couldn’t remember if it was one he gave her or if she simply imagined he were someone else. He didn’t care too much. ~~He was doing the same thing in his head.~~

It was over before he comprehended it and then they were laying next to each other. He fell asleep.

In the morning, he woke up to the pungent odor of beer and a disgusting taste and feeling sticking to the inside of his mouth and wrapping around each tooth. Something shifted next to him and he blinked as hazy memories returned to him.

He looked over and saw her bare shoulder as she texted someone.

Finally, she got up and looked back at him, offering a small smile.

“Let’s do it again sometime.”

“Yeah.” came his hollow, answer. Accompanied by an even hollower smile.

She paused and stared at him, through him. Much like… Then she hummed and pulled on her clothes, preparing for the walk of shame. She nodded to him, “I hope it works out between you and them.”

“Thanks. You too.”

She laughed, shaking her head with a broken look in her eyes. “It won’t.”

_Mine too._

-


	4. My Eggs Shattered On The Concrete (Did your heart shatter the same way?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just how long has it been?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> maybe slightly lighter than usual ? either way i hope you enjoy !

I don’t think I could stand to be where you don’t see me

The sun glared down from the sky like an evil fiery eye berating him with its gaze. The heat was sweltering and he could feel his skin cooking under the sun. He looked down at his arm and noted the tan he’d acquired from the South American sun, the most tan he ever got. Incomparable to anything like how Hajime could tan, but tan for him. But also not tan enough to protect him from the full wrath of an angry star without a generous coat of sunscreen.

  
He would much rather be at his apartment enjoying the low hum of the air conditioning and the whomp of his fan.

  
Plus, the olympics were on.

  
If he recalled correctly, fencing was happening. He always enjoyed watching fencing, tennis also got him interested. And of course, volleyball as well.

  
But he needed eggs so to the store he went.

He passed a store with a television playing in the window. Argentinian Spanish announcers talked rapidly and he caught the words for “serve” and “volleyball”. He turned his head and saw red jerseys.

  
The camera panned to the team, the Japanese team, and their server got ready.

  
His breath hitched.

  
The number 20 sat proudly on the boy’s (man’s?) chest and eyes a burning blue narrowed onto the ball before he tossed it into the air.

He looked so different, just how long has it been?

  
A second later, a service ace.

  
The eggs cracked on the ground.

  
“ _That’s Japan’s setter, Kageyama Tobio. He’s only nineteen, can you believe that?_ ” the announcer asked in rapid Spanish.

  
He lifted the sodden bag from the ground while his heart sank in an ugly way down to his stomach. A familiar heat that wasn’t from the sun burned the back of his neck in a most unpleasant way.

  
He ignored the feeling (or maybe it pushed him) and ran back to his apartment.

No one would know if he watched that game five times over until holes were burned into his corneas from the blue light of his computer screen.

  
Especially not him.

(He would know, three years later.)

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uploading is surprisingly hard to do from your phone, props if you do this regularly.  
> i hope everyone is doing well, please stay safe !


	5. Old Flame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it’s really just a coincidence that he dates people who look similar. really.

I don’t smoke except for when I’m missing you  
  


The stench of cigarettes sat heavy in the air and in his mouth. He took another drag and exhaled slowly, the smoke curling around his face and dissipating into the air as it dispersed. He slid his finger over his phone screen to skim through the girl’s feed.

  
“ _Oh? Who’s that?_ ”  
  
He turned and looked over his shoulder to his teammate who took it upon himself to snoop.

  
“ _A girl I’m seeing_.” The language felt awkward and clunky on his tongue. It was heavy but getting easier to pronounce the more time he spent in the area.

  
“ _Eh? Another one?_ ” the man laughed, loud and sonorous. He clapped his hand against Tooru’s back, “ _You’re a busy one, no? What happened to that guy you were with last month._ ”

  
“ _He went back to Germany._ ” he shrugged.

  
“ _Ah. You’re very quick to get a new catch._ ” his teammate commented. He looked back down at Tooru’s phone screen, “ _She’s beautiful, but not really your usual type, eh?_ ”

  
“ _My type?_ ”

  
“ _Yes, you seem to date a lot of people who look the same. Tall, light skin, dark hair. For a while the others and I were wondering if you were trying to make up for an old lover._ ” Another resonant laugh carried through the air and Tooru took another drag from his cigarette.

  
He looked back at the girl on his phone. She was petite, her skin a dark chocolate color, hair falling in well cared for blonde ringlets. Her eyes were dark brown and she held onto enough weight to give her a soft look. He pursed his lips and breathed in more smoke.

  
His teammate reached over and exited out of the girls feed before scrolling through his general following. Before Tooru could pull his phone out of the other’s reach, the man’s tan finger stopped over a picture of a woman with a svelte, athletic figure, light tan skin, and straight black hair.

  
“ _See, that looks like more your type._ ”

  
He pulled his phone away and clicked it off.

  
“ _I don’t have a type._ ”

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> geez i really am bad at updating regularly. my only excuse is that i have horrible time management and have been focusing on writing like five other stories lmao.  
> also some announcements ig, i’m thinking of writing a quarantine one-shot because i’ve been reading some of those and i honestly think it’s a fun idea (despite the fact that this is progressively getting more serious). opus will hopefully be updated soon ??? i’m currently trying to decide when to fit in what and really that story is being s u c h a bitch. i also would like to prematurely announce that i do have another multi-chapter story and a small one-shot planned pretty much immediately after i finish opus (so that i can hold myself accountable lmao). and lastly, i am heavily debating reworking suite, when/if that will actually happen is still up in the air.  
> huge props to anyone who has actually completed a series like this ! this continually gets more and more challenging every time i begin and end a chapter ahaha


	6. A Long Time Ago

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please read the end notes for some announcements !! i'd like your opinion on something so if you'd be willing to offer one it would be much appreciated ! thank you for reading !!

Oh I miss when we first met

His fan offered a loud _whomp whomp whomp_ that bordered on being percussive. He took a deep breath and turned over, hugging the pillow his head rested on.

He remembered the first time he met Kageyama Tobio. It was the first day of his third year of middle school. He remembered waking up early that day, the first day excitement messing with his circadian rhythm. He pulled on his uniform and ate the breakfast his mother sat out before walking next door to the Iwaizumi residence to wait for Hajime. They left a quarter to eight and found the class they were in.

The day went by and Tooru admittedly zoned out for most of it, save to pass the stack of syllabi to the person behind him. When lunch rolled around, he immediately shot out of his desk and went to meet Hajime outside on the bench under the tree where hopefully their other friends would be. He walked briskly down the hall and rounded the corner and felt a much smaller body ram into his.

He immediately backed up and watched as a first year boy stumbled back a few steps before looking up and—

The boy had the prettiest pair of eyes that Tooru ever saw.

Blue, bluer than the sky. Bluer than the ocean, the color of velvet. And they were so big— who even has eyes that big?

“S-Sorry.” the boy stuttered ducking in apology.

“It’s fine.” he said, offering the boy a dazzling smile that caused his cheeks to flush.

Tooru, at the time, had no idea that he just met the love of his life.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, hello ! hope everyone is doing well !!  
> i have a few more announcements: 1) i've tentatively decided that i'm likely going to rewrite suite after i finish the other fics i've got planned. so, if your interested, perhaps you'd like to keep an eye out for that ? (i feel awkward advertising my other fics but i know that a number of you have been following the bigger story for a while)  
> 2) i have a one-shot written that takes place after opus and i was planning on posting it after i finished but i was re-reading it and it doesn't have any spoilers for the main story. so if you'd like me to post it before let me know ! it's kind of happier and i feel like i've been hitting you all with a lot of angst, so yeah !! if you're interested or would like to wait for it, lmk ! thank you for reading !! you're all very appreciated !


	7. In Serpens Caput, Left Of The Gamma Star

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> blinking at the sky, the stars seemed to blink back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title of this chapter was taken from the 20th chapter junji ito's _uzumaki_

And I sit on the curb ‘cause it’s the prettiest night 

He sat on the curb with a cup of _something_ next to him, precariously balanced on chunky, uneven concrete that bled at the seams with yellow flowering weeds. The dull taste of ash seeped into his taste buds to be later scrubbed off with alcohol. Non-smokers just didn’t understand, it’s not the taste or the burn or anything else it’s the feel. He ran his tongue over his cracked lips that threatened to cry claret if he didn’t use chapstick soon.

He wrinkled his nose at the feeling and licked them over once more.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a woman, the single mother from three floors below, give him a judgmental look as she passed by. Late night groceries cradled tightly in her rough hands. Maybe it was time to go back in lest she shoot him with another snide stare.

He stood up and walked up the stairs just because he didn’t have a better way to spend his time at that moment.

When he reached his floor, he pushed open the door and walked to his apartment where he promptly went to the balcony. He shoved his feet through the railing and let his legs dangle at the knees. The slight chill of the metal bit at his skin and sent a small shudder snipping down his spinal cord. Goosebumps raised for a moment before he rubbed them away and looked up at the sky, bored.

Millions of tiny stars blinked and stared at him. The vast duality of nothing and every possibility smiled at him in multicolored constellations with the light of stars born, dying, and dead. They swirled and his eyes waltzed with their designs and shapes.

The sky gleamed different in Argentina than it did in Miyagi. But the fact that it was all part of one, all-encompassing thing, comforted him.

He tapped the excess ash into a stray, soil and plant-less pot off to the side.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a bit different from the other chapters but i always like keeping some semblance of synchrony with this story and the other.  
> please forgive the excessive amount of alliteration, it's one of my favorite literary devices so sometimes i get carried away lol. usually it's more spread out but because these chapters are so short they're a lot more in your face  
> also i realize that he comes off as an alcoholic chain smoker but he isn't !! i'm also not trying to advertise either. smoking might seem cool but stage four lung cancer is ugly !


	8. The Great Star Early Droop'd In The Western Sky In The Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Now it's after midnight. I'm utterly tired. My sweet love..."  
> \- Vladimir Nabokov from _Letters To Vera_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from walt whitman's _when lilacs last in the dooryard bloom'd_

Hold my hand

  
He looked so precious wrapped up in that stupidly cute blue cable knit sweater and his hair clipped back on either side with color coordinating clips. Soft, would be the correct word to describe him.

Tooru smiled softly and playfully tugged on his black bangs before pressing a kiss to his upturned nose. He smiled back slightly, the barest hints of teeth that were slightly crooked upon intense inspection. It was cute all the same and warmed Tooru’s heart more than any perfectly straight toothed smile he ever saw before.

They were seated next to each other, fingers interwoven like fine silver threads in embroidered silk. The sky was a muddled mix of oranges and pinks. The sun seemed to be slowly falling asleep as it pulled the blanketing horizon over itself.

Tooru blinked slowly, brows furrowed in confusion as he blinked himself into awareness. It was still dark inside his room and the fan thumped against the cold night air. He rolled over to squint at his clock.

_2:47 am._

He huffed and rolled back over, shifting, pulling the blanket back over himself that he unknowingly kicked off.

He stared blankly at his darkened wall for a moment. The barest hint of the memory fading from the forefront of his mind as his consciousness slipped under the welcoming horizon of sleep.

He didn’t register the slight pinch of his heart as his eyes slid firmly closed.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apologies but i don't know when the next chapter of opus is coming out :/ i just haven't really felt all that inspired to write for it but hopefully i get a chapter out by the end of the month. for now i hope you all enjoy this.


	9. Winter Seldom Sings Of Warmth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he's cold

And I say your name in hopes you’ll hear it from the stars

His hands were stiff, muscles solid and knuckles frozen beneath his skin, of which the tan dissipated day by day. Soon he would be lighter than most and his teammates would begin to comment on it again.

 _“The sun is weaker in Miyagi,”_ he would argue. _“It makes sense that I can’t hold a tan.”_

 _“Your country is just obsessed with keeping skin white,”_ someone would point out with a laugh.

He wouldn’t argue because it was true.

He blew hot air over his hands and flexed them to try and get rid of the painful tightness in his long fingers. Winter practices were nice in the sense that they kept him decently warm for a short period of time. It always turned against him in the end as he walked out of the gym. Between the choice of going home smelling of sweat, his body freezing from the cold and simply having his hair freeze from his after-practice shower, it was easy to choose the lesser of two inconveniences.

He fiddled with his key, stiff fingers clumsy with the cold and he chastised himself for always forgetting his gloves. After a jostle or two of his doorknob, he pushed the door open and walked inside.

His icicle fingers found the light switch easy enough and his eyes adjusted easier.

He kicked off his shoes and fell onto his couch. He held his phone over his face to check the time.

_6:47 pm, December 22nd_

A thought struck him with the quickness of a harpists pluck, the weight of the realization just as light.

His gaze flickered out to the sliding door of the balcony where the stars hummed promises to him in little winks.

It’s his birthday.

-


	10. I've been a long way from home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"tadaima."_   
>  _"okaeri."_

I am relieved that I'd left my room tidy

The walls and the floor lay bare. Everything he needed already sat in his suitcase and what couldn’t already waited for him back home.

 _“We’ll miss you Tooru!”_ he remembered his teammates proclaiming at his going-away party.

 _“I’ll miss you too,”_ he said back.

His landlord dropped by the morning after that party. She smiled at him, her wrinkled face creased sweetly and her dark black eyes were warm, _“Just make sure to tidy up a bit, you can just leave the key in my mailbox.”_

He stripped the white walls of all the pictures he placed on them, packed away all his clothes, and donated many of the more unnecessary items.

The flat was bare. As if he never lived in it at all.

A surreal feeling clouded him in a haze as he looked around. Finally, he closed the door and locked it for the last time.

That was it.

He sighed deeply and pressed his forehead against the door. His glasses pushed against his face and the nose pads put an unpleasant pressure between his eyes, the frames creaked just so.

Eventually, he pulled away and walked to resume a journey he put on pause several years ago.

The flight felt longer than it took and his skin felt dry and tight even after he got off the plane.

He found his suitcase and then waited outside. He flipped through his book to pass the time but only made it five pages further when someone beeped their horn.

“Oi, you gonna wait there all day?”

Happiness and relief forced a grin on his lips. He looked up and saw a familiar face belonging to a man that he used to catch bugs with in the hot summers of their childhood.

He moved the sticky note to the page he left off on and closed his book. A minute later, his luggage sat in the trunk and he in the passenger seat of the car.

“It’s been a while, huh?” he commented, watching the other cars slowly move on by. Japanese flowed off his tongue better than any other language could. Crisp syllables that made him nick the tip of his tongue gently against his teeth offered an odd sense of relief.

After a moment, he turned his head to smile at the driver, _“Tadaima.”_

Hajime blew a fond puff of air through his nose and smiled back, _“Okaeri.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> but that's it ! honestly this might have been my favorite piece so far, it was such a natural and free flowing narrative that allowed me to just enjoy the process of writing that came from from very raw and basic inspiration without worrying about anything. i love all my other stories dearly because i put a lot of effort into all of them yet this one that took the least amount ended up being my favorite.  
> i'm actually kind of sad to end this and i put it off for a while because i enjoyed writing this so much but the time came where i needed to buckle down and conclude the little peeks into oikawa's psyche. i was really inspired by seeing him again in the manga (the pure spite in this character is truly something else).  
> i hope you all enjoyed reading this, hopefully i'll be able to update the main story soon. xxxx <3

**Author's Note:**

> I really wanted to like, not have two stories going at the same time because it makes me feel like 'rahhhh' but I thought it might be nice to have this bit of insight into oikawa's head at the same time as i write mainly from kageyama's perspective.  
> also, if it's not clear, these are going to be really lowkey things that i post while i struggle to write the main storyline lol


End file.
